So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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