I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
