Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
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If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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