just come out here and I will go home with you...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
