Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
