If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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