I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
