Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
