I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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