in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
