Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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