Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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