When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
