I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
