you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
