my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
