The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
