oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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