i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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