she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
