if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dating After Heartbreak
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.