Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pants are for mortals
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.