Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.