we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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