and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
