If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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