She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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