Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
