Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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