You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
