my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
