when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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