Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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