Yo dont text me then not text me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
