she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
