dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
