i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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