Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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