Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
