I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We need to rekindle our bromance
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
