Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize