There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
