yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't turn off my feet"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
