I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
