I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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