From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
