He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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