There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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