The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
