Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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