She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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