This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
