i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
