My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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