Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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