Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
