I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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